If you haven't read my first blog post please go to: http://lifentimesunc.blogspot.com/2011/04/if-i-had-time-machine-i-would-hijack.html <----- That's my little brother's blog. He is a UNC-CH student and he's awesome. So read his blog or don't -- you know, whatever. Also there is some back story in that which you need to know.
Ok, so before you ask how I'm doing, because I know you miss me: I made a slight error in thinking that I wasn't going to be the busiest person ever for the past 2 weeks [or I'm just lazy, you take your pick]. Easter season and Holy week are tough on us YDs, but now that we've celebrated the rise of Zombie Jesus we can get back to business. The bad news is out of the way, but get ready for the worst news. I made a miscalculation when traveling back in time; I gave the flux capacitor too much juice -- if you know what I'm saying... ladies. Sorry I just like to randomly sound creepy sometimes... ladies.
Anyway, I managed to land myself in the spring of 1997. And because God has a sense of humor, [see fainting goats] I was naked, and I landed 'conveniently' in some bushes that had 34651436164 thorns per stem on them [yes I did just smash the number pad on my keyboard to create that number]. I guess God also doesn't like people playing with the space-time continuum either. This never happened in any of my test travels; I guess you can only travel through time unscathed when you don't have a purpose. After pulling the last thorn out of my butt it only took me a second to realize where I had fatefully landed: at my old elementary school, Lacy. ‘Ahhh, the good old days,’ I thought to myself. My current self was in 5th grade and was somewhat perturbed about it.
Whilst daydreaming, I looked at my time machine. It told me the current time was 1:15pm, and that afternoon showers were expected. Now it's funny the way you believe that there are some things you will never be able to recall from your childhood, but I intuitively knew, as I stood there obscured by spiny deathtraps, that 1:15pm was field time for my fifth grade class. So there I am, naked, standing on a children's playground, and I hear a group of kids approaching the far side of the field. Instinctively, I covered my junk [privates if you prefer] with my hands, even though no one could see me because there was a giant fence behind me. I had to escape -- and fast. I was not going be caught. I thought quickly, ‘the mall is only 2.2 miles from here.” One mile of houses and I could make it to the river.
I moved to the end of the row of bushes and peered through. A group of kids was fast approaching my end of the field. Pretty soon I would be trapped or even worse, spotted. I then noticed who that group of kids happened to be: Johnny Smith and his numbskull friends. I still remember how much I hated them in 5th grade. They never dared mess with me because of how much bigger I was than them -- being black helped too -- but they made sure to try to embarrass me with every chance they got, as long as there was no possibility of repercussions. Worst of all, they were all NC State fans. The kids were now just on the edge of the bushes. I could see Johnny's back, and if he looked to the left he could spot me. Suddenly a little devil appeared perched on my shoulder. He flipped the switch on the shadeless lamp he happened to be holding. Then I looked to my other shoulder... no angel. Just then the clouds burst open like nothing I had ever seen. Or more like nothing I had ever remembered. Our cheaply maintained field was soaked in an instant and the kids were all stunned and confused. Just as Johnny's friends all turned away to run inside, I darted out from the bushes and hit Johnny Smith like a train running into a smart car, knocking him into a fresh puddle. I quickly darted across the street and hid behind two trees. From the looks of it, no one but Johnny saw me. I saw Mrs. Berry as she realized that all the kids weren't headed in and that Johnny appeared to be playing in the mud. I saw my 11 year old self and others laughing at him too. Then she began to scream at Johnny, evidently very upset. I'm not much for revenge, but that was more satisfying than a Coen Brothers movie.
Now I was in for a run. I took no time at all to assess my surroundings; I knew exactly where I was. I immediately took off across a row of backyards. Now that it was raining, everyone would be inside and it would be less likely for me to get caught. If I could make it to the river, then I could make it to the mall. If I could make it to the mall, I could break into the Big & Tall store for some clothes. I was running for dear life, dodging toys and neglected house pets. Nine minutes later I found myself at the top of a huge hill. At the bottom was a stream branching off from the river. The hill was much steeper then I remembered. There was a house behind me and suddenly I thought I heard yelling. I grabbed my junk once more, clenched my cheeks, and slid down on my butt. I hurtled downhill, first sliding, then rolling, then spiraling out of control until I finally crashed at the bottom. I still think I went undetected, surprisingly. Now you might be asking at this point, why didn't I just use my time machine to zap out of this situation. The truth is you can only use it every 15 hours. Yes, I know it ain't perfect but it works. Besides, how was I supposed to know I was going to end up naked and bleeding at the bottom of a hill?
I righted myself and stood erectly as a naked man could. Under the cover of trees I moved down the stream. Finally I saw cover in what appeared to be some kind of sewer entrance. I picked up my pace and quickly found myself in a really gross area. The water had turned a dark murky color, and there seemed to be strange things looming under the water. I entered under a large circular concrete opening and leaned against a moss and algae covered wall just inside the opening. Down the corridor it was dark. Suddenly, I heard what sounded like bare feet pattering against the concrete but I was weary and too tired to try and run anymore. Whichever one of Satan's spawn was coming my way was going to regret the day it came across me. I tensed as the footsteps got louder. Then it came into the light and leaned on the wall across from me, a man with long matted hair and a scraggly beard leaning on the wall and smoking a cigarette. He stood there giving me a quick once over, then greeted me: "Come here often?”
To be continued...
